Those small little things.........LEFT UNSAID

Two months ke baad, mein phir aa gaaya.......
It was may 6th,school repoened - there was just one thing going through my head " i am screwed " ..........
i didn't know how to face her, moreover i was not prepared to face her, after what i did to her........
i knew what i did was totally unacceptable.....and i was ready to do anything for that.......
I was not in a good condition, when i told my bloody damn best friends about what i did, they were beating and kicking me like a stray dog..........
whenever, i see her, i will just look straight and walk away......and she used to do the same too.....

And we have this one full month of vacation class....and i have to go in her bus for that one month, but instead i took my ride, because as i told you , i didn't know how to face her......
But unfortunately, after the vacation classes, i had to go in her bus
During the vacation classes, i thought of going to her house........to talk to her....but couldn't
And finally one day{after the vacation class}, i went to her house....no, near her house....didn't see her....
The same process continued for three more weeks.....
Meanwhile, she asked me to leave her alone........
I decided not to disturb her again(but, doesn't mean that i stopped loving her, just stopped showing it)
...i tried to take her off my mind........But i couldn't....

And then, we had 2 days holiday due to these rains(thanks to the district collector), i knew where she went for tuition, so i went to the place, but i wasn't sure if that was the class...you know there are a lot of tuition classes nowadays, i waited there for half an hour with my friend....didn't see anyone......so , we decided to go and check her house.......while we were going back, we saw her walking with her friends to the tuition class.....
As soon as she saw me, her facial expressions changed...and her friends looked straight at her face....
I didn't stop......i couldn't....i was happy....i shouted with all my voice.......
took a u turn and went straight to her, they were looking back, to check if we were coming.......i didn't stop again.......
I waited at the wrong tuition class. which i thought was right.......And then i found the right tuition class the next day.........slap me god.........
And then i had a fight with my friend for not talking to her.......he doesn't know my condition
And decided that i will talk to her the next day i see her.........waiting for the big day......
But all i wanted was to say that i was SORRY for whatever i did and to tell her that i LOVED HER, more than anything in this world........
Anyways, lets wait for what god has to do with this......

And it was time for our summer vacation.....i had nothing much to do.
My cousins were home......i don't like'em much, coz they always wanna put me in trouble......
That day, i went to my friend's house, to get some game cd's from him.......i was with my cousin on my activa......
when i was going back home, i thought about her, but unfortunately, god wasn't with me......i slipped on the road and fell down with my cousin...nothing much happened to him, i was happy, after all he is my cousin....but things were not good for me...i had a fractured leg and a wound on my hand and palm.....

My mom and dad were very angry.....they took me to the hospital....on my way to the hospital...i logged into my facebook account in my mobile and texted her......
And that evening something happened.....something good for me, bad for her(i guess)....
I chatted with her dad....he was my friend on facebook....he was cool.....i liked him
When i told her this she didn't like this.......i didn't care
The next day, i texted her that i don't care about her caste, religion, money, blah,blah,blah.......
she replied to leave her alone..........
Now tell me, how would a guy who loves her so madly feels???
Just like everyone, i felt angry........i abused her......obviously, she didn't like it.....we had a small fight....no a kind of big fight...
uske baad(after that) she unfriended me and blocked me from her facebook account.........
i was damn worried about contacting her....i had her number...but she was in abu dhabi....so, it was of no use.....
I was deeply dismayed by her sudden absence from the canvas of my life. it was not just as if someone had stolen colours from my painting; it was as if they had stolen the painting from the canvas itself. only a blank board remained, on which nobody would now be able to write anything........

Life came to a standstill, everything got stagnated, whatever was beautiful and twinkling till that day, lost its beauty and life forever. i was passing each day with the hope of her being back. but that wasn't likely to happen anyhow..........

i created another facebook account and told sorry.....but she didn't seem to care...she blocked me for the second time.....NEVER EVER GIVE UP.....and that's when i thought of creating this blog.....and i did

i checked out her friend's facebook profile and saw a pic........i was happy, she was wearing the watch i gifted her...........Now, i can make sure that she remembers me daily.....(hey, don't stop wearing that watch just because i am happy...ok)
And that's my story...really sad, isn't it????

but, i still love her .........i am still thinking of her all the time.....i call in her cellphone, to know if she's here or not....so, that i can go to her house....no use...she wasn't back
I LOVE YOU.............WAITING FOR YOU.......WILL WAIT FOR YOU, TILL I DIE!!!!!!

I  knew that her answer would be a perfect no........as i have expected she said no and she said that she's not gonna go after 10th, coz i assumed that she would leave India because her father's working abroad...... :)

But i didn't give up, i used to sent her different types of messages daily, and she would say something which i don't like to hear...........
And then one day, she asked me to forget about her, because she thinks that it's better for my future..........
What would a man feel when the person he truly loves says this?????
I was angry....i thought of throwing my laptop.........but, if i throw that away how can i contact her......so,i tried to calm myself down....but, i couldn't, i threw my ipod and it directly hit the wall....and i was screwed....i told them that i accidently broke it....they were angry.....but they calmed down, and said that they would buy me a new one

It was about time for her b'day.........i thought of buying her a gift....so, i asked her if i could buy her a gift, and she said yes.......so, i told my dad......no,no,no.......i lied to my dad that it was my friend's b'day and asked him to give me some money to buy a special gift.......he gave me 1000 bucks and i had 200 bucks with me........i went to a shopping complex.....coz, there are no malls in trivandrum......with my friend and i bought a fastrack watch........
Her b'day was during our final exams, and i knew that it's not possible to give the gift while we are in school......so, i asked my dad if i can take the activa to school.....and, surprisingly he said yes.....
I took my activa and reached school as early as possible.....i have asked her to wait for me at her bus stop after the exams.......i didn't concentrate on my exams.....
i went to my friend's house after the exam, because he knows a shortcut to her house........
when i reached there, i saw her standing there, near an apartment........i didn't stop.....she didn't see us.......i asked my friend to check on her.....while he went to see her, she saw him and came towards us......i was numb
She was beautiful.her face had an arresting innocence that was much more prominent as she was trying to act serious and sober.she was so endearing.......she was right in front of me.....
the way she was standing, the way she looked at me for a while, the way then she tried not to look at me, the  way she was dressed, the way her hair was tied into a pony tail......i loved her more.......
I gave her the watch....and she asked if she can go, and i said yes.....actually, i wanted to say a lot of things...but, i couldn't...... and she went away......
When i was at home, i logged into my facebook account and wished  her happy b'day....and sent some messages.......
when she came online....she asked me why i bought such a costly watch?????i said what every man would say....'i don't care about the money, if its for you'
And the next day, i went to her exam hall casually, and checked if she is wearing the watch......NO.... she wasn't wearing it....i knew there was some reason for it......
And i came to know about the reason. It was our last day....i was late for school......she said to one of my friend to ask me to come to the same place where i gave her the gift, because her mom thinks that it's a costly gift,so, she asked her to return it to me......when i entered my classroom, my friends told me this.....they even made plans to sell it.....
I didn't go........that evening i logged into my facebook account and told her that i don't want the watch back, coz i bought it for you....she said 'ok'...... :) =D

And now it was time for our annual day celebration at school........
I knew she would be there for some program.......The last time i participated in the annual day was when i was in 3rd standard.......

From my friends, i came to know that she is there for the English drama.....actually, the drama in-charge was my class teacher, and she had asked me several times to join......but, i refused.....
But fortunately, she asked me again to join.....i accepted whole-heartedly.....
I was so damn happy......coz, now , i can see her all the time......

That evening i logged into my facebook account........
I chatted with her........My first chat:
ME : hiii!!!!
SHE : heyyy
ME : so, hw was skool??
SHE : nyc
ME : seen any new movies?
SHE : no
ME : i went for one wit afsal, last week
SHE : which?
ME : (movie's name)
SHE : hws it?
ME : its a gud one
SHE : k.
ME : r u planning to watch any new movies?
SHE : no..
ME : can i ask u something am i disturbing u?
SHE : no..
ME : k.u seen ma new profile pic?
SHE : ya..
ME : hws it and guzz whos tat?
SHE  : itzz nyc....its u r8
ME : ya
SHE : kk bye em goin'
ME : see u tc.
And now we were officially friends
 we were having our first stage practice during the weekend......
I asked my dad, if i can take my bro's bike......he said a straight no.....and he said that he would drop me at school in car ......but i didn't give up, i asked him if i can take the scooter(activa - u remember?)....he thought for a while and said yes........

I bathed for half an hour.......took my new dress(which i brought for my sisters(cousin) marriage)
and dad gave me some money to fill petrol.......i went to the petrol pump near school .......and there i saw my friend deva, and took him with me.......
And when we were there, i realised that i was early.......
I waited for her with my friends......and there she was, wearing a green t-shirt which said
'LOVE' and a black jean
She was looking absolutely gorgeous,was looking so beautiful that i could not take my eyes off her, so much so that i just forgot what i had come to do.
I just looked at her, looked at her and just looked at her....

sometime , before our stage practice, i was standing in front of her and my friend deva, asked her to call me......he did that on purpose, she called me, i looked at her.......my heart wished life to just freeze at that very moment..... i looked at deva and then at her.......i said two things in my mind : 1.FUCK U DEVA....
2.THANK U DEVA.....

But, unfortunately, nothing much happened during the practice days........like always, i didn't talk to her.....just looked at her

And then came the annual day, our program went pretty good..........while i was talking with rajeev rajasekharan (my bro's friend).....my dear friends went and told her that i love her and asked her to take her time to think........

That whole year passed(8th standard) without exchanging a single word between us.
The next year, when i was at school for the first day, i was totally shocked......i was being parted away from her when i couldn't even get myself attached to her.....
This was biggest shock i had taken, so head-on, till date on my little heart. i was not prepared;i could never be prepared for this anyways, but still.....
And now it was destiny. i had no other choice left than to move on.
The same schedule started in the new class 9.a as well....she was in 9.b
The same following her everywhere in the recess, just to get a glimpse of her smile, her attitude, her grace and her softness.Everything else was the same with the only difference being that once back in the classroom, i was unable to see her beautiful face and the glory of her persona. she was not there to amaze me in the classroom....
I was not craving to talk to her. Fine, i wanted to talk to her, but everything was quite alright without that too.
There was always that level of satisfaction within me which was required to keep my emotions and approaches intact.  I was satisfied with what i was getting.
I could see her daily. i could belong to her in so many ways, she was in my school, she lived in the same city, she knew me and other many such satisfying instances....
When i was in love i enjoyed dong anything and everything much more and with that much of an extra zeal, a touch of extra heart in you.....
You know when you are in love, you find everything so beautiful and so pleasant, that you tend to find smoothness in the hardest of rocks.
The roads started looking beautiful, music started sounding sweeter, songs started to have new meanings and, surprisingly, something that i have heard or seen started winning my attention and liking..
You start singing love songs while till date you liked rock numbers. My favorite songs were JUST THE WAY YOU ARE - Bruno mars, LOVE STORY - Taylor swift........
Your interest in love stories and romantic movies develop out of the blue.....i started reading love stories.....seriously....

And then came the christmas vacation......i went to find her house with my friend....
getting to know her house was like finding the lost needle in the desert......
Thank god, that i saw my close friend, she was my helper in knowing everything about her....i asked her all the details of her house and finally, i saw her house, i wished to see her , but didn't....anyways, atleast  saw her house...i was happy....
You know when you are in love, there are quite a few things you learn on your own...
Suddenly, you learn how to lie and yet to escape absolutely confident without hesitating, you learn how to be happy, and in fact, laugh without anybody around, sometimes on your own self as well, you learn how to day dream about the best-est of places in the world hand-in-hand with the one you love......... :)

It was may 23, 2011....8:51 AM....I saw her for the first time......she was gorgeous.....i became numb when i saw her....there are no words to describe her. i was speechless......at that very moment, i thought 'is this what people call as 'love at first sight'?'.....i knew the answer.....i loved her...but remember, this was the first i was seeing her, i haven't even talked to her, i don't even know her name......but i was sure that she will be the love of my life.....
The teacher asked for a class leader......my bloody fucking best friends shouted my name...and thus i was trapped and i became the first class leader....i was proud, after all i became the first class leader.....
My duty was assigned for one month.....it was a great chance for me to impress her....but i didn't do it.....i didn't feel like doing it...and one more thing, i was sitting near her for the whole year, and i didn't even tried to talk with her...i was like a funny and weird guy in front of her, i guess(am i?), but in front of my friends, teachers and family, i was funny,normal and kind of perfect.....

It was fun going to school now, because i knew that i would be able to see her....in her school dress, hair tied into a pony tail with a beautiful arrogance on her face for being someone very different...
she talked only to a rare species of guys. she was unlike other girls who talked with everyone and anyone with the same smile. she was a class apart.
Her facial expressions changed from person to person and situation to situation......

My love for her had started...it was love at first sight...it was initiated by her first look...and it was growing deeper and deeper with each passing day finding the same look in her eyes.
I started loving her from the bottom of my heart.....i started thinking about her only....

I was now coming to school with the wish that i would be able to see her...i would be able to feel her closeness, though from slight far apart. i would be able to see the most beautiful face i had ever seen in my life.....i would be able to wait for her with a song on my lips......
"kab se kare hain tera intezaar..."
I would be able to see her fresh and beautiful face, entering the class with her bag on her shoulders
I always had a smile on my face every time i saw her. a smile that came from the very bottom of my heart, from deep within my soul. a smile that showed that someone was really happy and fulfilled by just looking at her from a distance. a smile that parched earth would give to the first tiny droplets of rain falling on its surface...a smile that rainbow gives to a clear blue fresh sky after a long rainy stormy night.....
I smiled, my soul smiled....as my heart and all of me with my complete existence altogether, became so joyful just by seeing her...just by feeling her presence....just by looking in her deep eyes to find strictness and seriousness....just by feeling how much i started loving her.......

So it all started to become a routine now. i enjoyed going to school just to see her. she was in my class,in my section, sitting near me. she was beautiful, and i loved her with all my heart...what else could i have asked for..what else did i desire.....what else could i have dreamt of...nothing actually.....

As soon as i would see her my heart would skip some beats. i was always so anxious and restless that it was like giving some examination for which you are not at all prepared.....or the feeling of an unprepared interview.
S he always looked gorgeous
Gorgeous enough to make me lose all my senses and to just keep looking at her.
 Feeling her beauty and decency.......her looks and dignity...her smartness and attitude...and everything else about her.it was so fascinating that i always lost myself somewhere in her persona and softness...

i used to follow her everywhere with my friend in the recess, just to get a glimpse of her smile, her attitude, her grace and her softness
My life suddenly had wonderful meanings to me.....
I t was much more significant now.
The new aim of my life was to keep looking at her splendid beauty
It was so fulfilling to keep looking at her or for that matter just to get a small sweet glimpse of her....or even feel that she was somewhere around, no matter if i was able to see her or not, but she was somewhere right there....that it enormously filled the void inside me..... :)

She was the girl who ruled my dreams but i was never there in her thoughts....
The girl....who could spend a millions on clothing if she had, but never on gadgets....
The girl who was there in my life but never really came into my life and yet changed every bit of it.....
The girl i last loved......the girl who never loved me back

as truly said by someone"the love that lasts the longer is the love which is never returned".

walking by these empty lanes, i see myself fading away...
                      yet i know...
somewhere deep inside of you, you loved me back and it was true...
            i tried to say, i tried too hard...
           each moment i missed, a moment of love....
           now just left with memories back when,
          a lonely man trailing the solitary lanes...
   
          love was there and love will be...
       the flames will burn in the air it breathes.
even though you never loved me back, i will love you for eternity.
      you will never know, how much you mean to me....

  i didn't know how to confess what my feelings are;
if only i could know, if the doors of your heart were ajar...
         i would have poured what i felt back then.
            and those times have passed...
            just left with memories back when,
   now a lonely man trailing the solitary lanes....

     it was too late then, you were gone...
           but this day i have so much to say,
   no time to dream,nowhere to sway.
        just one chance to tell you that is all need....
just how much i loved, for you i lived.

and here i am, forever yours to stay...
      yes i mean forever, for that i will try,
hope you will come one day to pass me by.
     sometimes i feel i am bit too late....
too late to feel this way....
          but i will try it again some day...

                 and then i fall back....
and think of the times back when...we were young and we were friends.
           and as time has passed,things have changed,
      i am still in your love, but you have moved away.
                                                           - anonymous
we always question destiny that it never gave us the chance on love....
but isn't the real question whether we gave ourselves that chance?